Bow Ties and Nightmares
by Parnassus
Summary: Post-Tumulus: Cal's mind is trapped in a horrific nightmare and Niko is desperate to bring him back. WARNING: Some disturbing violence.
1. From Hell, With Love

So I only just discovered this series and I'm loving it! I just finished the third book and I'm running out too quickly in my humble opinion.

I wanted to do a take on some of the post-Tumulus trauma, so here it is. If you feel so inclined to review I would love to hear your thoughts Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Cal and Niko belong to Rob Thurman…I'm just borrowing them.

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It hadn't been an especially pleasant, nor productive day. Of course Cal would snark that my definition of productive ought to be listed on the President's itinerary. Smartass.

It was time for the day to be _over_. I was ready to move on, start a new chapter, so to speak. Of course what was waiting for me at home quickly shot that thought dead in the water.

"No, no, no, no, no…" He was curled in the corner of the dark motel room practically cursing the litany to someone I couldn't see. His huddled form trembled slightly and his arms encircled his drawn knees in a death grip, as though they could protect him. My chest constricted. For a second I forgot how to breathe.

I dropped everything on the floor and crouched down in front of him. However, I was wise enough to refrain myself from reaching out to him. Past experience had taught me that touch without recognition could be both physically and emotionally catastrophic if I was to ever bring him back around.

Cal was terrified. My smug, self-assured, sarcastic, pain in the ass little brother was petrified, helpless. Five years old again and begging me to make the nightmares go away. And I didn't know how. I didn't even know where to start.

I could deal with the fear. But it was the lack of recognition, the borderline psychotic, blank look in his eyes that had my gut clenching in knots. I needed him to see me. Hell, I just needed him to hear me. I needed him to know he wasn't alone. Would never be again.

This wasn't like the last time when Robin had tried hypnosis to reach into Cal's subconscious and retrieve his memories. Then he had been wild, savage even – uncontrollable. Not like now, with him keening softly in the corner, so petrified he didn't dare move. Now he was simply broken. That scared me more than anything else.

Whatever hell his mind was trapped in, I needed him to know that I was going to pull him out. My voice came out sounding shallow, barely audible.

"Cal?"

He jerked sharply at the sound of my voice and his fingernails dug deeper into his elbows. I risked moving a little closer. God, this was killing me. I had never needed the physical contact so badly. The carpet surrounding him was damp and it wasn't blood. I made sure of it. The smell was fairly telling but it hardly registered in my brain, a fleeting side note.

Cal was back to his litany – a broken record. His voice was panicked. But it still held a spark of fire underneath the terror. I felt a twinge of pride temporarily cut through the guilt threatening to swallow me whole.

"No, no, no…I won't…won't do it. G-get away from me!" His left hand flew to his mouth and clamped down hard as he shook his head violently, sweaty bangs flying back and forth in front of his eyes. His voice was muffled behind his hand. "No, no, no…won't…" His right hand shot out in front of his face as though fending off an attacker.

"Cal," I tried again, a little firmer this time. "I'm here little brother. I'm right here." He was silent. "You're ok," I lied.

For a moment he seemed to be listening. But suddenly his eyes rolled in their sockets and he was keening raggedly to himself again. "No, no, please no…."

I watched in horror as he gagged violently behind his hand before moving it down to his throat. He began clawing, hard enough to draw blood.

"Cal…stop it." I sounded desperate even to myself. He wasn't hearing me. I couldn't help it. I reached out and gently pulled his hands away from his throat. Bad mistake. For a second, his eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. I couldn't describe the look on his face, except to say it made me want to kill something.

And then Cal screamed. Raw and brutal, it teetered out with a violent sob that seemed to tear his throat in half. My blood froze. I didn't know anyone was capable of making a sound like that. I didn't want to think about who, or what Cal had experienced to be capable of producing it. My little brother shouldn't be able to do that. It startled me so badly that I was launching backwards before I could stop myself.

He sobbed hard. Painful, guttural noises that broke my heart before he lunged back against the wall screaming, "No, no, no, no! Get away from me!"

Now he was shoving both hands in his mouth and viciously scraping at the inside as though he'd ingested poison. His fingernails came away bloody and sticky with saliva. He shoved too far and I heard a gag laced cough. And then he was vomiting all over himself - crying, and retching, and pleading as his stomach tried to gut itself from the inside out.

I didn't dare touch him again. But I kept talking, low and soft. Telling him I was with him. Telling him he was ok. Telling him it wasn't real. Telling myself how I was going to tear every one of those red-eyed sons of bitch's limbs from their bodies and slice their extremities off in front of them, piece by miniscule piece and then shove them down their throats.

The heaving eventually subsided and now his face was buried against his knees. He rocked himself back and forth, his head occasionally colliding with the wall. He was crying softly, his teeth digging into the hand resting on top of his left knee. And then I heard a sound that had my heart catapulting into my throat.

"N-nik…" he hiccupped. It was barely coherent, but I heard it nonetheless. I unconsciously moved closer and held out my hand.

"Yeah, Cal. It's me. I'm right here." His body was sagging, boneless against the mildewed wallpaper.

I was almost touching his shoulder before I heard it again. Broken and lost. "Nik…"

This time I saw the agonized sorrow in his horror filled eyes and realized the terrible truth. It was the abandoned, hopeless voice of a prayer to a dead loved one. Cal wasn't coming back to me, wasn't recognizing that I was here with him and reaching out for me. He was calling for me. Calling for me in hell.

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Second chapter delves into Cal's point of view. Be happy to hear what you thought of Nik's though! ;)


	2. Broken Toys

It was cold. So fucking cold. The kind of cold that froze you solid to the same spot for years and destroyed any hope you ever entertained of escaping it. It was a despairing cold that latched onto your bones and gnawed until you were nothing more than dust - food for termites. Most people thought hell burned hot. I'd bought into that theory once… before I knew better. And I never got used to it. You'd think after a while you'd become numb to it or something. Nope. Not a chance, wouldn't want to ruin half the fun.

I couldn't remember how long I'd been here. It felt like years, but it could've only been days. Time had lost meaning the second my head hit the red glass they called earth after they dragged me through the portal. I couldn't remember anything before the cold and the hunger and the pain. But that was one thing I _had_ kind of grown numb to.

After I realized they weren't planning on killing me anytime soon, the pain they relished in inflicting became a kind of distraction to the hopelessness that pervaded my every waking thought. Not that I enjoyed the clawing spar sessions but I just came to expect them. I assumed anytime they dragged me out of my poor excuse for a cave, it was playtime. And I was definitely their favorite chew toy.

When they dragged me from a dazed sleep for the thousandth time, I dutifully accepted it would be more of the same. So imagine my unenthusiastic surprise when instead of throwing me into their chaotic, taunting circle and clawing at my flesh until I passed out, they tied me to a jagged wooden post in the center of a kind of scaffold; the steel platform was encircled by ten pointed stakes and twelve six-inch thick chains hung like a canopy around the bottom of the structure.

Their transparent claws raked mockingly over my naked body as they began hissing in a kind of demonic chant. They hadn't drawn blood and I was wondering what the hold up was. They did however beat me with the lengthy chains as they whooped and hollered to each other in their foul language. I guessed this was the appetizer before the entrée course.

Suddenly a group of Grendels surged through all the others bearing something between them. The air was practically electrified with their predatory excitement, for what I didn't even want to guess. I had already been right one too many times today. It seemed as though every single Grendel in the entire God forsaken place had gathered in this one spot. Their spindly bodies seemed to pulse as one in a seething wave of hungry anticipation for what was to come. I closed my eyes and tried to bury my head in my chest, trying to escape. The next second I felt the cold, familiar fingers of my maker as he penetrated his claws into the soft flesh of my hollow cheeks and spat, "You must look, all of this for you… _look." _

The last word was said with such malicious pleasure that it sent a shudder down my spine. When I refused to open my eyes he seemed to give up. I knew that was too good to be true. The crowd of monsters began to cheer, if you could call raising their hisses to a high-pitched snarling cheering.

My morbid curiosity finally got the better of me and I pried my eyes open to see what all the fuss was about. I wish I hadn't.

Standing in the center of a crowd of baying Grendels was an all too stoic figure - staring straight at me - his black shirt shredded and long blond hair sticking to his ashen face. His pallor was the only outward discrepancy. He couldn't control the shade of his skin or what it revealed. Fear. I could smell it smothering the air like a damp blanket.

I lost it. I shouldn't have because I knew that's exactly what their excitement fed off of but I couldn't help it. The few seconds of joyful relief I had felt tingling in the back of my throat when I first saw his face had turned to ash in my mouth.

How the hell had they taken him? It just wasn't plausible. He had been dead. Burned alive inside the trailer. That much I remembered. And now he was here, in this place, and I couldn't do anything. Death would've been so much easier than this. I should have felt guilty for thinking it but it was the truth. I screamed at them, cursed them and struggled against the ropes that bound me – all in absolute vain.

_It's ok little brother. I'm not going to leave you._

I saw his eyes reaching for mine as the first claw slashed across his back. He didn't stand a chance. _We _didn't stand a chance.

"No, no, no, no!" I screamed and thrashed as bright red welled obligingly to decorate his skin. _All because of me, not this. Never this. Nik…I'm sorry._

I wanted to tell him so many things, tell him how sorry I was that I had brought this upon him, how much he didn't deserve this but all I could do was growl and curse and struggle like a caged animal. Hell, that's exactly what I was.

And then they really started in. It was the most terrifying dog-pile I'd ever witnessed. Bloody claws tearing away at his flesh and spittle flying freely as they crushed him in one fell swoop. Suddenly, everything went still. Everyone of them backed off as though some sort of order had been given. Niko lay on the ground in a writhing heap. I watched as he struggled to get to his feet. Debilitating hatred seared through my body and for a moment my vision actually blackened.

Daddy dearest sauntered past me and I felt, rather than saw his pleasure. He drew a thick jagged knife, grinning gleefully in my direction as he advanced upon Niko who was now standing and glaring with eyes set in stone as the monster approached. He never once flinched. I wasn't quite so resolved.

The Grendel stood nose to nose with Niko and pointed the knife directly under his chin, twisting it slowly as though coming to a decision. Then he smiled, a wicked, horrific abomination that showcased every single one of his razor sharp teeth. He sliced through my brother's neck. Blood spurted generously as Niko's body crumpled and lolled onto the ground. He never got up.

For a second, I sat against the pole, stunned. Not daring to move. That didn't last long. A white hot rage unlike anything I had ever felt coursed through my body and what happened next was a savage blur of rage, fear, despair and hopelessness, the like of which I didn't know I could endure and survive. The feeling swallowed me whole and I was more than willing to drown in it. _My brother was gone._

When the world came back into focus I realized I must've been screaming because my throat was singed raw and I couldn't swallow. The Grendels had gathered around me and were alternately shrieking and laughing delightedly. For them it was Christmas morning. For me it was literally, the end of the world.

I looked over to see my maker busy at work with the knife. He was skinning the flesh from my brother's body, piece by dripping piece. He had just finished peeling a long strip off the arm and folded it neatly beside a steadily growing pile of bloody skin and muscle when he glanced up at me.

Ruby eyes shined and a grin played on the corners of his lips as he determinedly raised the knife and gouged one of the eyeballs. A horrible slurping sound reached my ears as he yanked it free and dangled it in front of his face like a prize. I gagged violently. Hot tears rolled down my face as I called out for death. I had never wanted anything more. My captors didn't care to oblige.

They separated my brother's legs from his body and now they were each taking a turn chopping at his stomach with their own knives. Stringy bits of flesh flew into the air as they hacked and sawed. I felt the darkness closing in, prayed that it would take me away. It didn't listen either.

I wept until I thought my heart would burst. A millennium later I felt cold fingers scrape across my face and leathery hisses rippling down the small of my back. I jerked and struggled again in spite of the futility. My feet were sticky and wet. Curious, I glanced down. My toes curled in the runoff of a pile of oozing tomato red flesh sitting at the foot of the stake. I recoiled in horror. My mind refused to comprehend what I was seeing. My body trembled involuntarily and I wailed until I couldn't breathe. The Grendels clapped their hands like excited children and scooped up handfuls of the flesh, hurling it at my face.

Daddy Grendel stood by placidly as though he had grown bored of the present activity. Swiftly, he shoved aside one of his cohorts before grabbing a handful of his own. Only he didn't fling it. He strode up to me and with a blood-curdling smile he whispered, "Eat."

Terrified, I clamped a hand over my mouth and punched as hard as I could with the other. He staggered backwards before regaining his balance and spitting an annoyed growl in my direction. The next time he advanced, he shoved the flesh in my face. The warmth registered sickeningly against my skin.

"Eat," he repeated.

"No, no, no, no…I won't. Get away from me!" I screamed from behind my hand.

The stale, putrid scent of his breath stung my nostrils and sour bile shot up my throat and seeped through my fingers as he turned his pointed rows of teeth towards me and sighed.

"Not a choice, _Mine_." And with that, he latched onto my hand with his teeth and pried until I was forced to let go. Grabbing my jaw with his free hand he managed to cram a small piece of the flesh into my mouth and clamped down hard with his icy fingers.

I clawed desperately. Scratching and tearing as I felt the coppery tang of blood coat my tongue and slip down my throat. My stomach lurched and I retched so hard I thought my esophagus would burst, he finally released me and I scraped and spat at the contents.

I was still crying as I continued to shove my hands in my mouth, clawing viciously even as my fingernails caught on my tongue and the inside of my cheeks. I coughed up a thick wad of foamy red before the contents of my stomach decided to follow and suddenly I was puking for all I was worth.

I had never felt so vile or disgusting and I hoped I _would_ actually puke up my stomach so I would never have to eat again. I lost count of how many times I threw up, or tried to, and by the time I had finished the crowd of Grendels had disappeared into their respective corners of hell. Every remnant of my brother was gone. Removed or devoured, I didn't know.

I was too exhausted to be surprised by the unlikely turn of events. Normally, they would've stayed and forced me to eat until I managed to hold down whatever they'd crammed down my throat.

I was still tied to the stake and the skin on my chest was scrubbed raw from the ropes where I had fought against them. I couldn't get free. My head lolled until it found purchase against the charred wood holding me captive and I closed my eyes, drifting. The despair that clutched my heart nearly choked me.

I whispered his name. I couldn't breathe.

Unbidden memories, heavy and untethered washed over me until I had almost escaped…just barely.

_I was five and upset because I couldn't figure out how to tie my shoe properly. Niko had showed me several times before and I thought I had it figured out. But I was at school during recess and my left tie had come undone and refused to cooperate. I tried so hard but I just couldn't remember - something about a rabbit jumping out of a hole? I couldn't stop the tears that welled and eventually fell in a great cascading torrent of childish misery._

_Frustrated, that after all the time Niko had taken to show me how to do something right, I was still screwing it up. Granted, I was only five…but I was still a five-year old screw-up. The teacher had come over to discover the problem and all I could manage through my snot plastered bawling was that I needed my brother. He knew how. I didn't and I needed him. Fortunately for the baffled teacher, Nik and I had been attending the same school at the time. She called him out of class and of course he came immediately. I remember him kneeling beside me and ever so gently asking what was wrong._

"_I can't remember how," I cried. "M'sorry, you showed me a lot but I can't remember…" I wailed incoherently. Niko had apparently picked up on the situation because the next thing I knew, he was cradling my snotty, hiccupping self against his chest and whispering patiently, "Cal, I'll tie your shoes as long as you need me too. And don't worry, it's hard for everybody at first, but it gets easier." And then he leant down to show me how to tie the bow for the hundredth time. _

_The memory warped and suddenly I was twelve and huddled under the blankets, terrified and shaking because I had another nightmare about the things that constantly lurked outside my window. _

_I'd known about them for some time now but that didn't make them any less frightening. I would have horrible nightmares about spindly, grinning creatures that came and slaughtered us in our beds. And that one was actually pretty tame. I had some doozies I no doubt locked down and tossed away the key afterwards. _

_But Nik was always there, calming me, reassuring me. Telling me he would protect me no matter what. Chasing the nightmares away. _

_I remember that one night telling myself I was too old to go running to my brother. I was grown up and I shouldn't be afraid of the dark. It was stupid and childish. I lay trembling under the blankets until I couldn't stand it another minute. In spite of myself I eventually ended up standing beside Niko's bed, awkwardly shuffling my feet._

_I didn't even have to say anything. He always seemed to know. He rolled onto his side and lifted up the blankets. In that instant, the embarrassment vanished and I crawled into the bed as he moved over to make room for me. He didn't say anything, just rolled back over and fell asleep. I shifted to find a comfortable position and it wasn't long before his soft snores lulled me into unconsciousness._

_The morning after I had been rudely yanked from a dreamless sleep by the thud of a pillow against my head and an annoyingly cheery Niko standing over me commanding, "Up and at em' little brother." Who needs an alarm clock. I fisted the sleep from my eyes and watched as he retreated to the kitchen. _

"_Thanks," I called after him. He paused and turned to face me. I continued awkwardly. "For…um, letting me…just, thanks." I finished, fiddling with the tail of the pillow._

_Nik bowed his head before responding quietly, "Yeah." And that was it. He never said another word about it the rest of the day. Or any of the other days after that night replayed time and again. _

_And then the bedroom was consumed by fire. Scorching flames licking my skin and melting everything in existence. Great, black columns of smoke puffed and billowed, devouring me. My lungs burned for oxygen and felt like they were withering from the inside out. When suddenly I was free, stumbling out onto the cool grass, gasping lungfuls of sweet, clear air. Before I remembered. Niko. _

_He was still in there. He was still inside that burning tomb. I scrambled up on shaky legs and lurched towards the trailer, screaming his name when I felt them – fingers sharp as talons tearing at my arms and face and legs. Dragging me away from the fire…away from my brother. Dragging me to Hell. _


	3. As Long As You Need Me

Someone was calling for me. I screamed and thrashed until I was sure my lungs would burst out of my chest. I had to get away. _Have to. _

_Cal, please…please stop. _Begging. The voice was begging._ Come back. I'm right here. Right here. _The voice was warm and safe. I couldn't reason why, I just…knew. I felt myself drifting towards it. The darkness swirling around me gradually cleared and suddenly I was staring into my brother's panicked grey eyes. I couldn't help it. I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"N-Nik? No, no, no…you're not here. You're gone. They killed you. Nik, they killed you…" I buried my face in my arms, refusing to believe. Refusing to look. I had never felt so confused or terrified. Why couldn't it all just be over?

I felt gentle hands encircle my wrists and flinched instinctively. Immediately they released their hold. I heard his voice again and the grief was going to kill me, I was sure of it. It wasn't him. He was dead. I'd seen it. _Hadn't I? _Torn to shreds.

"Cal, it's me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Please…" His voice shook with emotion. "Please, little brother, come back? I promise…I'll…I promise Cal. You're safe."

It all felt so real. I wanted to believe so badly. So what if it was all a delusion conjured up by my undeniably insane melon. If being crazy meant I could have a few more minutes with my brother…

I felt myself reaching for him. First one hand, then the other followed instinctively. He caught both in his own. My fingers tangled in the fabric of his shirt and suddenly I was clutching desperately, _hopefully_ to him.

"Nik?" I repeated his name, my tongue grated like sandpaper and my throat felt like it had been scorched by acid. I was surprised I could even form the word. I felt so childish, so insignificant…useless. I couldn't save him. He had spent his entire life looking after me, protecting me and I couldn't return the favor.

"Cal," The next instant I was wrapped in huge, familiar arms. And it was…_warm_. So warm. I shivered violently, until I thought my teeth would rattle out of my skull. The bone-gnawing cold was fading, gradually, but fading all the same. Suddenly, I didn't feel so hopeless or alone anymore. The despair feeding off my scorched soul only moments before was ebbing away with each strong beat of Nik's heart. He held on tight, and I held tighter still. Because I knew if I let him go, I wouldn't get him back. I couldn't remember why, I just knew I had to hang on.

As the horrible nightmares began to fade into obscurity, one last glimpse of why I was holding on so desperately flashed before my eyes. My father was there, not that I could actually see him, but I knew his presence. His sour breath hissed and sizzled against my prickling skin. A sharp gleam of metal teeth as he withdrew a quarter sized, bloody mass of flesh from behind his back. He wiggled the eye in front of his face and grinned before fading into the blackness.

And then I couldn't remember anything. I didn't know why the hell I was huddled on the floor instead of in bed. I couldn't remember why my throat was on fire. All that lingered was a sick feeling, rotting in the pit of my stomach. But still I clutched to my brother.

"Cal, it's alright now, everything is alright. It was just a bad dream. That's all, only a dream."

_Only a dream_, I repeated to myself. But I still couldn't shake the lingering feeling of dread. It tickled the back of my brain like a skittering insect.

"Nik…" I swallowed thickly. The sickness in my gut roiled viciously.

Niko put both hands on my face and thumbed away the tearstains. Suddenly, I was twelve different kinds of embarrassed and I hurriedly pushed myself away.

"I'm sorry…sorry…I'm sorry Nik." I felt thoroughly confused, I was close to hyperventilating and suddenly the room felt too small. I rolled my head towards the ceiling and concentrated on not passing out.

"Cal, you've got to calm down," Nik's voice was low and soothing and normally that would've done the trick but no matter how hard I tried, my body refused to cooperate. My fingers remained tangled in his shirt as I gasped erratically.

"Nik…"

"Right here little brother." I felt his hand scoop around the back of my neck.

"Nik," I slurred. "I'm…I don't feel good…" Niko didn't ask questions, just pulled me gently to my feet and shouldered my weight even before my legs gave out. He led me to the bathroom and guided me to my knees in front of the toilet before turning on the bathwater.

I coughed harshly into the bowl before feeling my shoulders hitch. My stomach constricted and I started retching. There wasn't much to bring up but damned if my body didn't try. I heaved unproductively for a good five minutes before I felt Nik leading me away from the toilet.

"Deep breaths, Cal. Just take it slow. Easy…" He rubbed circles into my back as I shakily swiped the back of my hand across my mouth and attempted to bring my gag-reflex under control.

"I…I'm ok," I was trying for reassurance but it sounded more like death warmed over.

I blinked up at my brother. "What happened?"

"Well," he said quietly. "You just tried to puke up your toe nails."

I didn't miss a beat. "No, before Nik. What happened before?"

He sighed wearily and scrubbed a hand over his mouth. A gesture I rarely saw and which usually indicated the Niko-version of "scared shitless".

"I'm not entirely sure, but lets not do it again, ok?" He took the hand away from his mouth and ran it through my tangled hair before breathing, "You scared the shit out of me little brother."

I almost snorted. At the very least I definitely smiled. It sounded foreign coming from his "holier than thou" lips. I sighed and then glanced back up at him. The worry lines etched into his face had faded slightly. That was good. That meant I must've done _something_ right.

Niko stared off into space for all of five seconds before visibly shaking himself and leaning over me to shut off the steaming bathwater. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Now genuinely embarrassed, I flushed the toilet before pulling myself to my feet. Still shaky, but I could manage.

"Nik, really. I'm good now. I can take it from here," I said dismissively. My cheeks flushed crimson as I realized my sweatpants were damp. I was speckled and stained with various fluids and noticed that Niko's shirt was covered in drying puke. Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Niko didn't budge. I expected nothing less and I was grateful for his constancy. But even a blubbering, amnesiac, half monster needs a little privacy.

"Seriously, Cyrano, go change. You smell." I quirked my lips and managed half a smile.

Nik didn't smile, but he did raise his eyebrows ever so slightly in that way I knew signaled amusement.

"Speak for yourself," he reluctantly moved towards the doorway. "I'll be right outside." Then added, "Don't lock the door."

"Bossy," I pouted attempting a little levity as he cracked the door shut. I was emotionally wrung. I felt like a dishtowel squeezed dry of every last ounce of liquid. And the strangest part was I couldn't remember why. I might have been frustrated if I wasn't so damn tired. But Niko was always there…waiting to catch me. I'd never figure how I'd ever come to deserve him.

"Hey," his head poked back in immediately at the sound of my voice. My throat hurt so badly I could've sworn I'd never speak again. "Thanks," I croaked. "Thanks for being here, Nik."

His grey eyes gleamed softly as he answered, "Anytime little brother. I'll be here as long as you need me."

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The end...Thoughts? In any case, thanks for reading!


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